Ugh. I feel like I'm going to puke.
This weekend was awful, completely and utterly awful. Friday we were getting ready for a huge sale at work, so the boss picked up Taco Time for everyone. Friday night bf and I went to the gym, and then ruined it all by having fastfood for dinner (A&W for me, McDonald's for him). Saturday was the big sale, boss ordered pizza for all. Saturday night we had caesar salad and decided to get french fries, onion rings, and milkshakes from a fast food joint to go with it. By Sunday you'd really think I'd be sick of the junk by now, but oh no, definetely not me. French fries for breakfast, a slurpee, chips, chocolate bar, greasy oil bbq potatoes (but so friggin good) for dinner, french fries for a snack, a cookie, pudding, and half a bag of the chocolates bf got for Easter. I currently feel like either curling up in a ball and not ever moving again, or throwing up. Either one would do right now, so long as it made the sick feeling go away.
I know what I need to do. I need to cut out simple carbs, fast food, and junk food. As soon as I eat a tiny bit of any of the above I binge binge binge binge binge. And it's not that hard. None of it actually tasted that good when eating it (ok, except the BBQ potatoes), and afterwards I just felt like shit.
Weigh-in tomorrow is not gonna be a good one. I binged and binged, and now I'm not getting 8 hours of sleep (which I find always makes my weight higher), so I'm more or less screwed for tomorrow. I wouldn't honestly be surprised to see it over 200, which is going to come as a big shock to me. 200 scares me. I can be at 199.8 and kinda ok with things, but I can see 200 sending me into massive self hatrid. I've never been in the 200's, I never want to be in the 200's, and yet I keep doing this and somehow expect to stay in the 100's.
I had more to say about other things, but I really just need to try to sleep and feel less sick.
BTW weigh-in on Friday said 196.4
Monday, June 4, 2007
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Zen Stone
I was home sick again today. I made it to 1600 yesterday, which is good, but today I'm at 1100ish and I just don't want anything. I was throwing up this morning and nauseous all day, and while my stomach is growling at me to eat something it's just not appealing. Everytime I eat, I feel more nauseous, so I'm kinda in a "screw that" attitude, but on the other hand I really don't want to screw up my metabolism. Ya, like one day is gonna screw up my metabolism right? I'm also afraid that if I don't have more I'm going to end up with a wicked weigh in tomorrow and then be way higher on Monday, whether I do good or not.
I put way too much thought into this, I need to just eat healthier, exercise, and be happy when I lose weight and gain muscle. But apparently I can't, so I'll just deal with it until I can I suppose.
On an up note, after going into work at 7pm (I forgot to do something for month end since I was home sick), we headed over to Futureshop.
My bf, in all his brilliance, decided to take apart his $300 mp3 player to get the dust off the screen (it was behind the screen I guess). Apparently it worked last night, but didn't this morning, so he decided to take it apart again today *sigh* haha. So then he broke something else taking it apart, so we're pretty sure it's 100% screwed. Now if you knew my bf you'd know how grumpy and utterly pissy he gets when he doesn't have an mp3 player (it is not fun at all...even just for the few hours this afternoon I thought I was gonna end up losing a limb or something) and he wanted to upgrade to a 60GB instead of a 30GB anyways. This doesn't sound very up note-ish yet does it? Well! He got his 60GB mp3 player and is now happy as pie, and I got a new mp3 player (since I lost my old one). It's so incredibly cute and I absolutely adore it, and it seems to have really good sound quality for something so small. I'm really hoping I can find the Keychain case (so I don't lose it in day to day life) and Armband (so I can use it easier at the gym).
I'm feeling tired and a little loopy from being sick all day so I think I should stop trying to make a coherent entry and just go to bed.
I put way too much thought into this, I need to just eat healthier, exercise, and be happy when I lose weight and gain muscle. But apparently I can't, so I'll just deal with it until I can I suppose.
On an up note, after going into work at 7pm (I forgot to do something for month end since I was home sick), we headed over to Futureshop.
My bf, in all his brilliance, decided to take apart his $300 mp3 player to get the dust off the screen (it was behind the screen I guess). Apparently it worked last night, but didn't this morning, so he decided to take it apart again today *sigh* haha. So then he broke something else taking it apart, so we're pretty sure it's 100% screwed. Now if you knew my bf you'd know how grumpy and utterly pissy he gets when he doesn't have an mp3 player (it is not fun at all...even just for the few hours this afternoon I thought I was gonna end up losing a limb or something) and he wanted to upgrade to a 60GB instead of a 30GB anyways. This doesn't sound very up note-ish yet does it? Well! He got his 60GB mp3 player and is now happy as pie, and I got a new mp3 player (since I lost my old one). It's so incredibly cute and I absolutely adore it, and it seems to have really good sound quality for something so small. I'm really hoping I can find the Keychain case (so I don't lose it in day to day life) and Armband (so I can use it easier at the gym).
I'm feeling tired and a little loopy from being sick all day so I think I should stop trying to make a coherent entry and just go to bed.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Home Sick..Bleh.
Yesterday was pretty good calorie-wise. I'm trying to stay around 1700, which seems really high, but I don't want to just drop my calories way down and lose a bunch of weight and plateau, when I could slowly work my way down with the calories and hopefully continue losing weight as I go.
I went to the gym yesterday, saw my trainer. I lied, it's not that he doesn't push me enough, it's just that I don't feel it the next day. My arms will be shaking trying to lift the weight by the last rep at least (for example), so it's not that he's not pushing me as far as I can go, it's just that I'm not feeling it the next day. Kinda weird, because I know after the first session my arms were killing me...but maybe it's just my body getting used to this moving and lifting weights thing. I guess it's a good thing after all!
So far so good today, but that's because I woke up feeling really nauseous. Took the day off work because of it, which turned out to be a really good thing since at about 10 I ended up throwing up (ok, tmi, but it's my blog, if ya don't like it, don't read it haha). After that though I went back to bed for a few hours and I'm feeling way way better. I'm at just under 500 calories, which leaves 1200 calories for the rest of the day...not sure if I'll eat that much or not, but so long as I'm above 1200 total I'm happy.
Anyways, need to do some homework before Canada's Next Top Model comes on (I'm such a top model addict).
I went to the gym yesterday, saw my trainer. I lied, it's not that he doesn't push me enough, it's just that I don't feel it the next day. My arms will be shaking trying to lift the weight by the last rep at least (for example), so it's not that he's not pushing me as far as I can go, it's just that I'm not feeling it the next day. Kinda weird, because I know after the first session my arms were killing me...but maybe it's just my body getting used to this moving and lifting weights thing. I guess it's a good thing after all!
So far so good today, but that's because I woke up feeling really nauseous. Took the day off work because of it, which turned out to be a really good thing since at about 10 I ended up throwing up (ok, tmi, but it's my blog, if ya don't like it, don't read it haha). After that though I went back to bed for a few hours and I'm feeling way way better. I'm at just under 500 calories, which leaves 1200 calories for the rest of the day...not sure if I'll eat that much or not, but so long as I'm above 1200 total I'm happy.
Anyways, need to do some homework before Canada's Next Top Model comes on (I'm such a top model addict).
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Oh..my..god! Becky, look at her butt!
So yesterday (Monday May 28) was officially my start date for this blog...however I was way too exhausted to do anything and went to bed at 9 (which is incredibly abnormal for me).I've decided to weigh myself on Mondays and Fridays. Many people have told me that you should only weigh yourself once a week, blah blah blah, and I've tried that, and it works, but I need something to keep myself in control on weekends. I'm hoping that if I do binge on a weekend I'm going to see the low number on Friday and see it up a couple pounds on Monday and maybe, just maybe, have something click in my head. *fingers crossed*.
My official start weight for this blog is 198.2. How did I let myself get here? I was ecstatic when I lost weight and made it down to the 140's, hell I was even still happy when I gained weight, lost again, and got down to the 160's. That was great! I didn't feel as awesome as I did at 140, but I didn't hate myself like I do now. I can't stand how I look. Wearing anything but hoodies and jeans is enough to make me cry anytime I walk by my reflection.
This time around I'm trying to teach myself healthy eating habits, instead of loseweight gainweight eating habits like I've taught myself before. I'm trying to exercise and have a well balanced diet with as little junk as possible. And I do so so good for a while, and then one weekend I completely screw up and feel like an utter failure, and that continues on for weeks.
I've been trying to lose weight since March 7, and guess what! I've gained 2 lbs. How ridiculous is that? Admittedly that gain is since I started going to the gym more faithfully, and it's totally possible that it's just muscle, but seriously? Gained? Ugh.
I must say, I love going to the gym. I used to be so afraid to go, afraid people would judge me and make fun of me behind my back, so even after I joined the gym in January I still didn't go. I was wasting $100 a month. And then while recovering from my breast reduction in March I spent a lot of time browsing the internet (since it hurt way too much to move) and I saw a video by Joy Nash. It was kind of liberating, at least for the gym. I mean really, who cares what some guy I'd probably never talk to anyways thinks about me going to the gym? Who cares if someone is making fun of me because I'm fat. At least I'm trying to do something about it. And even if I wasn't, who cares! I'll probably never meet them, I'll probably never talk to them, hell, I probably wouldn't even like them! (especially if they're low enough to make fun of someone behind their back like that)
I'm now learning to embrace the gym. There are many mornings when I wake up and the first thing I think is "oh god, I don't want to go to the gym tonight I'm too fat, too ugly, too tired, etc", but I find that if I force myself to go anyways I never feel bad about it afterwards. And I'm actually seeing my personal training once or twice a week (why I was paying $100 a month instead of $50), which is great. I don't know how to properly use most anything in the gym, so it's nice to have someone there to show me what to do, and give me a plan for the days when I'm not there working with him. I just need to get him to start pushing me harder! Don't get me wrong, he does great, and I push myself harder when I'm with him than I do when it's just me on my own, but oddly enough I love it when I wake up in the morning and my muscles are so sore they don't even want to move. Sucks for work, but it makes me feel so great about myself.
My official start weight for this blog is 198.2. How did I let myself get here? I was ecstatic when I lost weight and made it down to the 140's, hell I was even still happy when I gained weight, lost again, and got down to the 160's. That was great! I didn't feel as awesome as I did at 140, but I didn't hate myself like I do now. I can't stand how I look. Wearing anything but hoodies and jeans is enough to make me cry anytime I walk by my reflection.
This time around I'm trying to teach myself healthy eating habits, instead of loseweight gainweight eating habits like I've taught myself before. I'm trying to exercise and have a well balanced diet with as little junk as possible. And I do so so good for a while, and then one weekend I completely screw up and feel like an utter failure, and that continues on for weeks.
I've been trying to lose weight since March 7, and guess what! I've gained 2 lbs. How ridiculous is that? Admittedly that gain is since I started going to the gym more faithfully, and it's totally possible that it's just muscle, but seriously? Gained? Ugh.
I must say, I love going to the gym. I used to be so afraid to go, afraid people would judge me and make fun of me behind my back, so even after I joined the gym in January I still didn't go. I was wasting $100 a month. And then while recovering from my breast reduction in March I spent a lot of time browsing the internet (since it hurt way too much to move) and I saw a video by Joy Nash. It was kind of liberating, at least for the gym. I mean really, who cares what some guy I'd probably never talk to anyways thinks about me going to the gym? Who cares if someone is making fun of me because I'm fat. At least I'm trying to do something about it. And even if I wasn't, who cares! I'll probably never meet them, I'll probably never talk to them, hell, I probably wouldn't even like them! (especially if they're low enough to make fun of someone behind their back like that)
I'm now learning to embrace the gym. There are many mornings when I wake up and the first thing I think is "oh god, I don't want to go to the gym tonight I'm too fat, too ugly, too tired, etc", but I find that if I force myself to go anyways I never feel bad about it afterwards. And I'm actually seeing my personal training once or twice a week (why I was paying $100 a month instead of $50), which is great. I don't know how to properly use most anything in the gym, so it's nice to have someone there to show me what to do, and give me a plan for the days when I'm not there working with him. I just need to get him to start pushing me harder! Don't get me wrong, he does great, and I push myself harder when I'm with him than I do when it's just me on my own, but oddly enough I love it when I wake up in the morning and my muscles are so sore they don't even want to move. Sucks for work, but it makes me feel so great about myself.
Monday, May 21, 2007
The Beginning
I've been overweight most of my life, and am currently at my highest weight. I've been up and down and up and down way too many times. All the downs were never really healthy though and I'm hoping this time I'll do it healthy and keep it off.
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