Oh..my..god! Becky, look at her butt!

So yesterday (Monday May 28) was officially my start date for this blog...however I was way too exhausted to do anything and went to bed at 9 (which is incredibly abnormal for me).I've decided to weigh myself on Mondays and Fridays. Many people have told me that you should only weigh yourself once a week, blah blah blah, and I've tried that, and it works, but I need something to keep myself in control on weekends. I'm hoping that if I do binge on a weekend I'm going to see the low number on Friday and see it up a couple pounds on Monday and maybe, just maybe, have something click in my head. *fingers crossed*.
My official start weight for this blog is 198.2. How did I let myself get here? I was ecstatic when I lost weight and made it down to the 140's, hell I was even still happy when I gained weight, lost again, and got down to the 160's. That was great! I didn't feel as awesome as I did at 140, but I didn't hate myself like I do now. I can't stand how I look. Wearing anything but hoodies and jeans is enough to make me cry anytime I walk by my reflection.
This time around I'm trying to teach myself healthy eating habits, instead of loseweight gainweight eating habits like I've taught myself before. I'm trying to exercise and have a well balanced diet with as little junk as possible. And I do so so good for a while, and then one weekend I completely screw up and feel like an utter failure, and that continues on for weeks.
I've been trying to lose weight since March 7, and guess what! I've gained 2 lbs. How ridiculous is that? Admittedly that gain is since I started going to the gym more faithfully, and it's totally possible that it's just muscle, but seriously? Gained? Ugh.
I must say, I love going to the gym. I used to be so afraid to go, afraid people would judge me and make fun of me behind my back, so even after I joined the gym in January I still didn't go. I was wasting $100 a month. And then while recovering from my breast reduction in March I spent a lot of time browsing the internet (since it hurt way too much to move) and I saw a video by Joy Nash. It was kind of liberating, at least for the gym. I mean really, who cares what some guy I'd probably never talk to anyways thinks about me going to the gym? Who cares if someone is making fun of me because I'm fat. At least I'm trying to do something about it. And even if I wasn't, who cares! I'll probably never meet them, I'll probably never talk to them, hell, I probably wouldn't even like them! (especially if they're low enough to make fun of someone behind their back like that)
I'm now learning to embrace the gym. There are many mornings when I wake up and the first thing I think is "oh god, I don't want to go to the gym tonight I'm too fat, too ugly, too tired, etc", but I find that if I force myself to go anyways I never feel bad about it afterwards. And I'm actually seeing my personal training once or twice a week (why I was paying $100 a month instead of $50), which is great. I don't know how to properly use most anything in the gym, so it's nice to have someone there to show me what to do, and give me a plan for the days when I'm not there working with him. I just need to get him to start pushing me harder! Don't get me wrong, he does great, and I push myself harder when I'm with him than I do when it's just me on my own, but oddly enough I love it when I wake up in the morning and my muscles are so sore they don't even want to move. Sucks for work, but it makes me feel so great about myself.